LesleyBrogan
LesleyBrogan
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  • Home
  • Advent 2020
  • Lent 2020
  • Lent 2019
  • Writings from 2019
  • Lent 2018
  • Advent 2017
  • Lesley's Blog: Holding On and Letting Go
  • Relying on the Moon: Companioning Grief for 29 Days
    • Relying on the Moon (book excerpt)
    • White Horse Questions
    • 2014 Advent Daily Readings
  • Advent 2018
  • Traveling This Tender Advent

Holding On and Letting Go

How Long?

5/18/2014

10 Comments

 
Picture

     “How long do we hope?” “How long do we hate?”

     Today marks an important milestone for me. Today I have come to understand that I’ve been asking myself to try to look in opposite directions at the same time. I’ve been expecting my heart to stay focused on what has been and what is present now.  Today I have come to understand that I can’t do it, it’s just not possible. And today I’m living into the truth that I no longer really want to.

     “How long do we hope?” “How long do we hate?” These two questions were asked in A Trick of the Light by Inspector Gamache. And I find myself wondering the same.

     How long do we hate? Five year ago today I lived through a life-changing event. I was, without any warning "let go" from a job that I loved and that had come to be home for me. Five years ago I lost my home row (Editor’s note: When I took typing in high school a hundred years ago {back in the days of white-out} our teacher taught us that “if your fingers started wandering off and your typed words were no longer comprehensible, then return to your home row: a s d f j k l ]. That Monday morning five years ago, I found myself devastated and had lost my home row. When the dust began to settle, I realized that I experienced a life-shift. What had been true and certain the day before was no longer that. The job that I felt called to do was gone. And I felt so much hate. How long?

     And in the hours, days, months, years since I have learned so many life-lessons. I’ve learned about grace and mercy, about strength and resilience, about grief and healing. And I claimed these five truths: 
          I didn’t die that day (even though I truly felt that I had). 
          God is bigger than the institution of the church. 
          Children listen and follow your lead. 
          Things are stronger in the places they are broken (another Armand Gamache quote).
          Love is greater than hate.

     How long do we hope? This morning, five years to the day that I believed my world had ended, John Brogan was confirmed. This morning he joined NDPC where our family attends. He’s struggled long and hard with this decision. But/and what brings balance and thankfulness, joy and hope is that his struggle doesn’t seem to have been much about my previous struggle from years’ past. This morning his struggle has been about the three questions of faith asked of him: renouncing sin and evil, believing in Jesus as Lord and Savior and entering fully into the community of faith. As it should be.

     Hate. Hope. Home.

     How do we find our way home again? Today has been a good day, an important day, a rejoicing day. Today I was reminded of the strength of our sons, both Brogan and Sam. Today I felt the gift of family and graceful friends who continue to love us in and through life. Today as I held Linda’s hand I was so very grateful for the life we have created and continue to create. Today I felt held in God’s grace, and I felt that I was returning back home.

     We plan, God laughs. How long do we hate? Too long – the cost to ourselves and those who love us is too great. Too long – we waste our precious lives and miss out on so much beauty and laughter. Too long – we forget the priceless gift of trust. 

     How long do we hope? Just a little bit longer...This morning in church five years to the day, I was reminded that we are all being carried by a river of grace. We've been invited into this great Mystery and called to attend to it as it is always attending to us.

     If your story knows my story, I wish you courage and strength enough to find your way home again. Today I can truly say that I believe anything is possible, because as John Brogan wrote in his statement: "I believe in the compassion I see whenever I'm in this church." As it should be.


10 Comments
claudia
5/18/2014 08:16:18 am

well that is pretty darn brilliant. and wonderfully written. you have been through the ruggedness...and now today, a great act of Hope has marked the say. loveyouloveyouloveyou

Reply
Autumn
5/18/2014 09:16:39 am

And now today is an anniversary of a positive and no longer a negative...

Reply
Rick Marsden
5/18/2014 01:50:10 pm

I have been through similar challenging journeys, Les. And I can say with absolute certainty that we waste too much of precious life when we hate too long! Namaste, my friend!

Reply
Kelly
5/19/2014 12:12:42 am

Loved this Les!

Reply
lesley brogan
5/19/2014 03:33:11 am

Thanks, Kel. AOT

Reply
Betsey Brogan
5/19/2014 03:06:25 am

"I believe that children are our future. Teach them well, and let them lead the way"
It's an important path to have been on. Not easy. Now may you know the peace of picking a new path. And we will continue on it with you.
Thank you for these words.

Reply
Martha Gibson
5/19/2014 04:43:56 am

I am a firm believer if God closes one door another will open and on this day God opened your door and also your heart. There is not any room in Lesley Brogan's heart for hate or negativity and besides you are much to blessed. Love you and all your precious family.

Reply
lesley brogan
5/19/2014 06:29:55 am

Thank you, precious friend, for walking with me through all these things. You mean the world to me

Reply
Larry
5/19/2014 12:15:51 pm

Lesley, so much of this does resonate with me. And you know my story and yes, my story knows your story. I don't know that it was hate but certainly anger that has been difficult to release. And so my woundedness may have continued longer than necessary. And I know this is a gross analogy, but for me, picking at a scab is like holding on to anger; it frustrates and prolongs the healing process. But yes, love is stronger and it is finally winning. Thanks for sharing your story and heart. I'm grateful to read it and feel it.

Reply
Lesley Brogan
5/21/2014 06:08:14 pm

Thank you friends for hearing my heart. Thank you for walking with me. Thank you for sharing in the telling of this time of story.

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    Lesley Brogan

    Working in Family Experience at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta, Lesley is an ordained minister in the United Church of Christ.  A Candler School of Theology graduate, Lesley has just published her second book, Grief and the Psalms: Companioning the Moon for 29 Days (available on this website). She and her partner, Linda Ellis are raising their two sons, Brogan and Sam in Decatur, GA.

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