How Long?

     “How long do we hope?” “How long do we hate?”

     Today marks an important milestone for me. Today I have come to understand that I’ve been asking myself to try to look in opposite directions at the same time. I’ve been expecting my heart to stay focused on what has been and what is present now.  Today I have come to understand that I can’t do it, it’s just not possible. And today I’m living into the truth that I no longer really want to.

     “How long do we hope?” “How long do we hate?” These two questions were asked in A Trick of the Light by Inspector Gamache. And I find myself wondering the same.

     How long do we hate? Five year ago today I lived through a life-changing event. I was, without any warning "let go" from a job that I loved and that had come to be home for me. Five years ago I lost my home row (Editor’s note: When I took typing in high school a hundred years ago {back in the days of white-out} our teacher taught us that “if your fingers started wandering off and your typed words were no longer comprehensible, then return to your home row: a s d f j k l ]. That Monday morning five years ago, I found myself devastated and had lost my home row. When the dust began to settle, I realized that I experienced a life-shift. What had been true and certain the day before was no longer that. The job that I felt called to do was gone. And I felt so much hate. How long?

     And in the hours, days, months, years since I have learned so many life-lessons. I’ve learned about grace and mercy, about strength and resilience, about grief and healing. And I claimed these five truths: 
          I didn’t die that day (even though I truly felt that I had). 
          God is bigger than the institution of the church. 
          Children listen and follow your lead. 
          Things are stronger in the places they are broken (another Armand Gamache quote).
          Love is greater than hate.

     How long do we hope? This morning, five years to the day that I believed my world had ended, John Brogan was confirmed. This morning he joined NDPC where our family attends. He’s struggled long and hard with this decision. But/and what brings balance and thankfulness, joy and hope is that his struggle doesn’t seem to have been much about my previous struggle from years’ past. This morning his struggle has been about the three questions of faith asked of him: renouncing sin and evil, believing in Jesus as Lord and Savior and entering fully into the community of faith. As it should be.

     Hate. Hope. Home.

     How do we find our way home again? Today has been a good day, an important day, a rejoicing day. Today I was reminded of the strength of our sons, both Brogan and Sam. Today I felt the gift of family and graceful friends who continue to love us in and through life. Today as I held Linda’s hand I was so very grateful for the life we have created and continue to create. Today I felt held in God’s grace, and I felt that I was returning back home.

     We plan, God laughs. How long do we hate? Too long – the cost to ourselves and those who love us is too great. Too long – we waste our precious lives and miss out on so much beauty and laughter. Too long – we forget the priceless gift of trust. 

     How long do we hope? Just a little bit longer...This morning in church five years to the day, I was reminded that we are all being carried by a river of grace. We've been invited into this great Mystery and called to attend to it as it is always attending to us.

     If your story knows my story, I wish you courage and strength enough to find your way home again. Today I can truly say that I believe anything is possible, because as John Brogan wrote in his statement: "I believe in the compassion I see whenever I'm in this church." As it should be.

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